


Leah vs The Coming Out Thing

by dearhappy



Category: Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: (more accurately 6+1), 5+1 Things, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Gen, Introspection, Or rather attempting to come out, book canon, this is basically a leah & simon friendship fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 06:57:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14711274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearhappy/pseuds/dearhappy
Summary: She thinks maybe it’ll feel more real if someone other than her mom knows. And she wants him to know. So she spends the next few days trying to think of how to bring it up, except each time she almost does something stops her. It’s like her throat closes up and the words are stuck just out of reach and she just can’t bring herself to say them.And then days turn into weeks turn into months until eventually it’s a year later and she still hasn’t told Simon, still doesn’t know how to bring it up at that point so she just doesn’t.(or six times Leah almost comes out to Simon)





	Leah vs The Coming Out Thing

**Author's Note:**

> okay before anyone says anything I want to just say that there's a lot of dialogue taken directly from both svthsa & loto, so you know shoutout to Becky for that. 
> 
> anyways, I was rereading svthsa and couldn't stop thinking about what if leah had come out to simon earlier, and thus this story of her attempting to come out to simon was born. 
> 
> so, enjoy! Kudos & comments are very much appreciated!

 

**_i._ **

 

The first time she ever truly considers coming out to Simon is the summer before they start eighth grade. They’re both thirteen and have been friends for almost three years now. And she has known she’s bisexual for most of that time so she doesn’t even know why she hasn’t told him, or even Nick yet. 

 

Except she does. For one, there never seems to be a good moment to bring it up normally. They’ve never been the type of friends to talk about crushes, other than to make fun of Nick’s obvious ones, so it’s not like she can just let it slip during those times. 

 

But the bigger reason is that part of her is scared of their reactions. She knows what some people say about gay people, she also knows what’s said about being bisexual. And while neither of her friends have ever been outright homophobic there’s a small part of her that fears they’d react badly. That they’d think she’s attention seeking and weird or just might make gross comments.

 

If she’s honest she mostly fears that they’ll no longer want to be her friends and she doesn’t think she’d be able to handle losing their friendship. But there’s a part of her that thinks it’ll be fine, they’re her best friends. It might be weird at first but they’ll take it well. 

 

And maybe she just wants someone other than her mom to know because she thinks maybe it’ll feel more  _ real _ if someone other than her mom knows. So she figures she should tell them, or at least one of them for now. At least Simon, because if she’s honest she’s always felt closer to Simon. And she  _ wants  _ to tell him.

 

So she spends the next few days trying to think of how to bring it up, except each time she almost does something stops her. It’s like her throat closes up and the words are stuck just out of reach and she just can’t bring herself to say them.

 

And then days turn into weeks turn into months until eventually it’s a year later and she still hasn’t told Simon, still doesn’t know how to bring it up at that point so she just doesn’t.

  
  
  
  
  


**_ii._ **

 

They’re fifteen and lying on Simon’s bed staring up at the ceiling while Rilo Kiley plays on repeat.

 

“I can’t believe Nick ditched us on a Friday night to hang out with the soccer bros,” Simon says with a huff letting his phone fall onto the bed between them. “We should be sitting in his basement playing video games or something. Not him playing video games with them.”

 

She laughs, her feet are hanging over the edge and barely brush the floor as she taps along to the beat. “You mean, Nick and I should be playing video games while you just sit to the side with Bieber,” she points out, turning her head to send him a teasing smile.

 

He’s still facing the ceiling but she can tell he’s rolling his eyes. “Whatever, Leah,” he mutters, “Or we could be in my basement eating ice cream and watching movies or something. But no, Nick’s decided he’s too cool for us.”

 

“We don’t need Nick,” she says firmly. And she doesn’t even believe that completely, they’re a team of three have been for years now. But it doesn’t always have to be the three of them together, they’ll be fine without him for now. As long as Nick doesn’t completely ditch them which she doesn’t think would happen, at least she hopes it won’t. “Don’t act like you wouldn’t ditch us for the Theatre Kids.”

 

Simon turns his head to her, she turns to look at him and he looks so offended by the accusation. “I would at least invite you guys to go with me,” he says.

 

“Do you really wish he’d invited us to tag along? Like, it’s just some of the soccer guys,” she says, “As in Semi-Douche Garrett and probably some full douche boys. Is that who you really want to hang out with tonight?”

 

“Hmph, that’s a good point. I’d rather not be surrounded by jocks,” he says in a humorous tone, shuddering at the thought. He’s quiet for a moment, before he adds, “Bram isn’t a douche.”

 

“Yeah, but Bram barely talks,” she points out. It’s strange because she’s noticed that while he’s usually a quiet person he practically goes mute when he’s around them. She’s seen him talk to Garrett and Nick all the time, but when he’s at lunch he seems to limit his input in their conversations. She writes it off as him being shy and uncomfortable around new people but it’s been months since he’s started sitting with them and he still barely speaks to either of them, and when he does it’s usually only because they speak to him first. “He is really nice though.”

 

“Sometimes I wonder what’s going on in his head,” he says suddenly. 

 

And she isn’t sure what brought that up but she doesn’t blame him. She wonders what’s going on in other people’s heads all the time. She hums in agreement. “I think we’d all be good friends if he actually talked to us,” she says.

 

“Yeah, I think,” he pauses, she thinks he’ll say something more on the subject but he stays quiet for a long moment only the music filling the air. “Oh, this one is my favorite,” he says before humming along to the music. 

 

She closes her eyes briefly, listening as Jenny Lewis begins to sing. Simon starts singing along quietly, it takes a moment before she joins in. And neither of them are great singers but the moment is completely perfect. 

 

She kind of wishes it could last forever just the two of them lying here singing along to Rilo Kiley. It’s the kind of moment she wishes she could bottle up and keep close to her.

 

Halfway through the song she turns to look at Simon, watches his profile as he sings along and the moment just feels right. She wants to come out to him, and she turns her head away immediately staring up at the ceiling again. She thinks maybe it’ll be easier to say it if she only sees him from her peripheral. 

 

“I would marry Jenny Lewis in a heartbeat,” she says. It’s a subtle way to ease into the conversation. And her heart is beating so loud she thinks Simon might be able to hear it over the music.

 

Simon only hums, he seems to go still for a moment and she thinks maybe he understands what she’s trying to say. And then he says, “Yeah, I’d marry her too.”

 

She realizes that he doesn’t understand the weight of the words, doesn’t see the underlying meaning that she’s trying to put into them. It’s just something silly a girl can say without actually meaning.

 

And she feels a twist in her gut as she looks at him, she wants to shake him until he understands that she really does mean it. She wants to say she would really marry Jenny Lewis, or any other woman if she fell in love with them. Or a man. Or even someone who doesn’t fit in either category. She’s not straight. 

 

She wants to say,  _ I’m bisexual.  _

 

And the words are on the tip of her tongue all she needs to do is blurt them out. She just needs to say the two simple words that she’s been holding onto for years now. But when she opens her mouth the words just don’t come out. She lies there listening to the song fade away and then another plays and another and she still can’t make the words come out.

  
  
  
  


 

**_iii._ **

 

They’re seventeen and Simon has been outed to the entire school. 

 

And he’s been avoiding the conversation since Christmas Eve. It’s like he’s going about life as if the post never even happened. And a big part of her doesn’t even blame him, another part of her wants him to acknowledge it, or to ask him about it herself but she doesn’t even know how.

 

They’ve never been the emotional talks type of friends, mostly because it’s out of her comfort zone since she never knows how to bring up some topics and tends to just bottle things up. And she thinks despite his mom being a therapist Simon tends to do exactly the same.

 

They’re both on the floor with Bieber between them. In the background Nick is playing guitar and Abby is leaning into him, they’re sitting so close to each other. And she’s trying to ignore how seeing Abby clearly into Nick makes her feel. Instead she focuses on Simon who’s been weirdly calmer than usual. 

 

And she just has to bring it up, so she does it in the easiest way she can think of. “So, they took the post down.”

 

“I know,” he says.

 

She watches him carefully, thinks she sees a flicker of panic on his face as he focuses his gaze on Bieber. “We don’t have to talk about it though,” she says finally, she knows she wouldn’t want to if she was in his shoes. 

 

“It’s fine,” he answers, she watches him glance over to the couch. And forces herself not to follow his gaze, not to look at Abby. So confusing yet so wonderful Abby.

 

“Do you know who wrote it?” 

 

“Yes.” She looks at him expectantly, but all he says is, “It doesn’t matter.”

 

And she can’t help but think of course it matters. It’s a big deal, this person is an asshole for doing this because nobody deserves to be outed. But as much as she really wants to she doesn’t push for more information, instead she plays with her hair as they fall into a silence.

 

“I know what you’re not asking me,” he says finally, barely looking at her. 

 

What he means is that she isn’t asking the obvious, isn’t asking if he’s gay. 

 

But she knows Simon enough to put the pieces together. If the post wasn’t true, if Simon wasn’t gay he’d had brought up the topic himself, he wouldn’t have gone so long avoiding the conversation the way he has been. And a part of her wants to give him the ease of saying it himself not because she asked.

 

So she simply shrugs and smiles slightly.

 

“I am gay, that part’s true.”

 

“Okay,” she says, unsure of what else to say. For a brief moment she considers hugging him and telling him she’s bi. Except she thinks it’d be too weird, she can’t remember the last time she hugged him first. But mostly she doesn’t want to make this about herself by coming out. Right now it’s about Simon.

 

“But I’m not turning this into a big thing tonight, okay? I don’t know. Does anyone want ice cream?” he asks before she can say anything else. 

 

Nick seems to finally process the conversation, “Did you just tell us you’re gay?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay,” Nick says. There’s a soft thud as Abby swats at him. “What?”

 

“That’s all you’re going to say? ‘Okay’?” 

 

She gets where Abby is coming from, maybe both of them should say something more. He is their best friend after all. But it’s just that Simon doesn’t want it to be a big deal and considering he’d been outed, it’s the least they can do to respect that he wants to keep this as casual as possible.

 

“He said not to make a big deal about it. What am I supposed to say?”

 

“Say something supportive. I don’t know. Or awkwardly hold his hand like I did. Anything.”

 

Leah falls silent, not focusing on the rest of the conversation after that. She’s too busy replaying Abby’s words over and over in her mind. And finally she looks at Abby. “Simon told you already?”

 

“He, um, yes,” Abby says, looking taken back before she turns her gaze to Simon. 

 

“Oh,” she says because it’s all she can say.

 

And then there’s silence. 

 

And then Simon is trying to deflect and distract by offering ice cream. 

 

And she hates herself for being upset that Simon told Abby first. She thinks she even feels betrayed because she has always figured she’d tell Simon first out of all her friends. But really, it was stupid of her to even consider for a brief moment that Simon would’ve done the same. He’s allowed to tell whoever he wants.

 

So she knows that she has no right to feel this way at all, but she can’t stop the ugly feeling from growing in her chest and she feels so awful. 

  
  


 

It’s hours later and she can’t sleep. She can hear Nick snoring, she guesses Abby is asleep by now too. And she can tell Simon is awake, he keeps shifting around and his breathing gives him away.

 

But she keeps her eyes closed until she realizes there’s no use in it anymore. Her mind won’t stop racing, she knows she won’t be falling asleep any time soon. She rolls on her side to face Simon before opening her eyes only to find him already looking at her.

 

“Hey,” he whispers, rolling onto his side to face her. 

 

“Hey,” she whispers back.

 

“Are you mad?”

 

Her heart sinks just a bit and she hates that she feels this way, hates that Simon can tell. “About what?” she asks, even though she knows exactly what he’s asking.

 

“About me telling Abby first.”

 

She isn’t mad, or at least she wishes she weren’t mad. Mostly she’s upset and maybe there’s a thin line between the two. But she feels shitty over how she’s upset when she has no right to be, not when Simon is allowed to choose who to come out to. She gets that, she really does. And she feels even shittier about it because Simon knows she’s upset.

 

In the back of her mind she hears the whisper that she should just say it now. He’ll be accepting, maybe even relieved and it’ll distract him from how she feels now. But she doesn’t, instead after a few seconds of being silent she says, “I don’t have the right to be mad.” 

 

Because it’s the truth, she really doesn’t. Not at all. 

 

“What are you talking about?” he asks.

 

“This is your thing, Simon.” 

 

“But you’re entitled to your emotions,” he says, because of course he would say something like that. 

 

And she knows that she’s entitled to her emotions, they’re completely hers. But she also knows Simon is entitled to come out to whoever he wants, that’s his thing to decide and she has no right to be upset about him choosing to tell someone else first over her. 

 

“This isn’t about me though,” she settles on saying, rolling onto her back so he can’t see her face clearly anymore. 

 

“Don’t be mad,” he says after a few moments of silence between them. And she closes her eyes briefly.

 

“Did you think I would have some kind of shitty reaction, or that I wouldn’t be okay with it?” she asks. She feels slightly hypocritical because just a few years ago she’d worried the same things without real evidence, now she realizes it was beyond stupid to think he’d react badly. 

 

For a moment she wonders how different things would be if she just took the chance and told him all that time ago.

 

“Of course not. God, Leah, no. Not at all,” he says quickly, reassuringly. “You’re like the most - I mean, you’re the one who introduced me to Harry and Draco. Yeah, that wasn’t even a concern.”

 

“Okay, well.” She isn’t even sure where’s she’s going with this, or what to say. Then she thinks maybe it’s a good time to come out to him. She realizes she really just wants to tell him. And she thinks she just might. But she finds herself stalling, instead she asks, “So who else did you tell?”

 

“My family,” he says. “I mean, Nora saw the Tumblr, so then I had to.”

 

“Right, but I mean, who else other than Abby?” she asks. She figures he had to have told someone else because there’s no way Abby would have made that post, or even told anyone for that matter. She hadn’t even told her or Nick when they’d talked about it before coming over.

 

“No one,” he says, there’s a strange softness to his tone and when she looks over at him his eyes are closed and he’s smiling faintly. She isn’t sure what to make of that expression at all. 

 

She furrows her brows, looking back at the ceiling and asks, “Then how did it end up on the Tumblr?”

 

“Oh, right,” he says, his tone changing completely from a few seconds ago. “Long story.”

 

She angles her head toward him expectantly, she doesn’t say anything just waits for him to continue but he never does.

 

“I think I’m about to fall asleep,” he says instead. 

 

And they both know it’s a lie, but she doesn’t say anything just watches as he shifts to get comfortable. After a moment she turns on her side with her back to him. 

 

She doesn’t fall asleep for hours afterwards and she can’t help but feel like she just missed her opportunity to finally tell him.

  
  
  
  
  


_**iv.** _

 

They’re seventeen and sitting in her car parked outside of Waffle House.

 

And they’re raising their voices at each other and she hates it so much. She hates how awful this whole situation feels, hates that she can practically feel their friendship slipping through her fingertips. She knows it’s her own fault, but she doesn’t know how to stop it.

 

He thinks she has a problem with Abby and of fucking course he thinks it has to do with Nick. And that’s the thing it’s never been about Nick, she’s jealous because she feels like she’s being replaced in Simon’s eyes. It’s so clear that he prefers her over Leah.

 

And god, she doesn’t even blame him because Abby is everything that Leah isn’t, everything Leah will never be. She is so wonderful and it hurts because her problem is that she has no idea how to deal with having such a huge crush on Abby. And she has no idea how to stop feeling so insecure about being replaced because she’s a complete upgrade for a best friend.

 

And she tells him just as much or at least parts of it, leaving out the part about liking Abby. She just can’t bring herself to admit that just yet.

 

“Seriously, just stop it. I’m so fucking tired of this,” he says, and she can feel his eyes on her. “She’s not an upgrade. You’re my best friend.”

 

She snorts and fights the urge to roll her eyes.

 

“Well, you are. Both of you. And Nick. All three of you,” he says. “But I could never replace you. You’re Leah.”

 

“Then why did you come out to her first?” she asks quietly. And she feels, well, she isn’t sure how she feels anymore. She’s just so so tired.

 

“Leah,” he says. 

 

“Just—whatever. I don’t have the right to give a shit,” she says quickly, she keeps reminding herself of this. But she thinks all of these feelings are now permanently lodged into her chest. 

 

“Stop saying that. You can give all kinds of shits.”

 

She stays quiet and so does he. And she thinks everything over again, swallowing the ugly feelings of insecurity and betrayal. And then she says, “It was just so, I don’t know. It was obvious that Nick liked her. None of that’s been a fucking surprise. But when you told her first, it was like, I didn’t even see that coming. I thought you trusted me.”

 

“I do,” he says. He sounds earnest, but she can’t bring herself to face him to see if he actually means it. 

 

“Well, apparently you trust her more,” she says, the bitterness seeps into her tone, “which is awesome, because how long have you known her? Six months? You’ve known me for six years.”

 

And he doesn’t reply for a moment, she thinks she’s just ruining things more. Suddenly she’s hit with the worry that Simon doesn’t actually mean all these things, that after this he won’t want to be her friend anymore. He’s seeing her true colors and nobody wants to be friends with such an insecure mess.

 

“But whatever,” she adds in quickly when he still doesn’t respond. “I can’t—you know. It’s your thing.”

 

“I mean,” he starts to say. “Yeah, it was easier to tell her. But it’s not about trusting her more or you more or anything like that. You don’t even know.” She can hear the slight break in his voice. “It’s like, yeah. I’ve known you forever, and Nick even longer. You guys know me better than anyone. You know me too well.”

 

She’s reminded that she’s been keeping her own secret from him for so long now. And she gets where he’s coming from. 

 

They have this entire past together and to come out would’ve been to shake the foundation of their friendship and what they thought they knew. She thinks that’s been the thing holding her back as well. And she tightly grips the steering wheel and avoids making eye contact with him.

 

“I mean, everything. You know everything about me. The wolf T-shirts. The cookie cones. ‘Boom Boom Pow.’”

 

And she can’t help but crack a smile at those memories, but her grip still stays tight.

 

“And no, I don’t have that kind of a history with Abby. But that’s what made it easier. There’s this huge part of me, and I’m still trying it on. And I don’t know how it fits together. How I fit together. It’s like a new version of me. I just needed someone who could run with that.” He sighs. “But I really wanted to tell you.”

 

“Okay,” she says quietly. She isn’t sure how else to respond, but now as she hears his explanation she gets it. Maybe, it is easier to tell someone you haven’t been growing up with.

 

“It’s just, it got to the point where it was hard to bring it up.”

 

Her breath hitches slightly and she feels like she’s just been punched in the gut. She kind of just wants to yell  _ yes! exactly! _ because she’s been trying to come out to him since she was thirteen but she has never been able to bring it up. “I mean, I get that,” she says finally. “I do. It’s like the longer you sit with some shit, the harder it is to talk about.”

 

They’re both silent for a moment. She’s slowly taking in breaths as she tries to calm herself, she thinks she’s actually going to come out this time. She’s really going to do it, finally after all this time and-

 

“Leah?”

 

She freezes slightly, thinks for a fraction of a second that he can hear what she’s thinking. “Yeah?” she asks slowly.

 

He pauses briefly, then asks, “What happened with your dad?”

 

It takes a moment for the question to settle in, she furrows her brows as she finally looks at him. “My dad?” she asks. It’s then that she realizes, nobody’s ever bothered asking about her dad before and she’s just never brought it up.

 

She wonders what’s made him bring it up and ask now. And Simon just turns towards her expectantly.

 

“Well, it’s kind of a funny story,” she says turning to look back at the steering wheel. 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Um,” she starts, feeling weird finally talking about it after all this time. “Not really. He hooked up with this hottie nineteen-year-old at his work. And then he left.”

 

“Oh,” he says. “Leah, I’m so freaking sorry.”

 

She simply shrugs. At this point, she’s accepted it for what it is and she’s no longer angry when she thinks about him leaving. Not that she thinks about it that often anymore.

 

She looks at Simon, takes in his expression and seeing him trying not to cry makes her realize her own eyes are stinging as the tears build up. “Stop blinking like that,” she says.

 

“Like what?”

 

“Don’t you dare cry,” she warns, because if he cries she knows she will and she doesn’t want that to happen.

 

“What? No way,” he says shakily, trying to force a smile as he does. And as soon as he says the words he loses it completely, he’s full on crying. Puffy eyed, snot nosed and all. 

“You’re a mess, Spier,” she says, but she knows she’s close to being in the same position as she feels the tears start to stream down her cheeks.

 

“I know!” He practically collapses forward, burying his head into her shoulder as he continues to cry. “I really love you, you know? I’m so sorry about everything. About the Abby thing. All of it.”

 

She sighs softly, feeling more at ease than she has in weeks. “It’s fine,” she whispers.

 

“Really. I love you.”

 

She sniffs, before resting her head against his. And she hates crying in front of people but she can’t stop herself and maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

 

“Um, did you get something in your eye, Leah?”

 

“No. Shut up. You did,” she retorts. It’s not the best comeback, she knows that but she can’t find it in her to care. And Simon laughs and she finds herself laughing too.

 

She isn’t sure how long they stay like that just the two of them leaning against each other as they cry and laugh and then cry some more.

 

And they’re both such messes but it’s okay, they’re okay. They have each other. 

 

And she thinks maybe they are the emotional talks type of friends after all. Or at least they should start to be those type of friends because she feels so free in a weird sort of way, like a weight has finally been lifted off of her. 

 

She lets out a heavy sigh as she lifts her head a bit looking out the window, she thinks this is a good moment to come out. It’s risk free, and she isn’t sure when she’ll get another burst of confidence to do it. But as soon as she opens her mouth he interrupts her. 

 

“Can I tell you something?” he asks quietly. She hums in affirmation and neither of them move for a moment. “Did you hear about me and Bram?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

He shifts away, so that he’s sitting back in the passenger seat. There’s tear stains across his cheeks and his eyes are puffy and red but he’s smiling softly. 

 

And then, he tells her everything.

 

He explains how the two of them got together. Explains how it started with a post on the Tumblr all those months ago and how that lead to all the emails between the two of them. He tells her about how he finally had someone to confide in, someone who knew exactly what he was going through. 

 

Simon also talks about the whole Martin Thing, about how he blackmailed him and that’s who outed him. And she feels awful about not being there for him, but he reassures her that it’s fine. He’s fine, she had no way of knowing.

 

He doesn’t dwell on it for long, brushes it off before he continues to tell her about the good things. He talks about Blue who is actually Bram and about how he fell for him over emails, really truly fell in love. 

 

And she can’t help but smile as she listens to him ramble excitedly about Bram. He looks so happy, happier than she’s seen him be in awhile. And it sort of just hits her that he’s probably been wanting to say all of this to someone for so long.

 

And she decides to tuck away her own secret for another time. Right now though, she just listens.

  
  
  


 

**_v._ **

 

She’s eighteen and Simon’s birthday is in a few weeks. 

 

They’re finally seniors. And Simon and Bram are so completely deliriously happily in love with each other. It’s so ridiculously adorable and as much as she teases Simon about it, she’s so happy for him.

 

She’s sitting on the swings with Simon is sitting next to her. In the distance not too far in front of them Abby and the guys are playing soccer. Or at least as much as you can with four players, especially when one of them keeps distractedly looking over at his boyfriend. 

 

After what seems like the millionth time that Bram sends Simon a bright grin, Simon decides to dramatically blow him a kiss. The gesture only causes Bram to light up even more as he pretends to catch it and holds it to his heart. 

 

She fondly rolls her eyes, laughing as she says, “God, you two are ridiculous.”

 

“Oh, shut up,” he replies, his cheeks turn a faint pink and he’s grinning.

 

She snorts. And they’re both quiet for a moment, mostly because Simon’s busy focusing on Bram running around. She smiles as she sees that soft expression on his face that’s completely reserved for Bram. “You know, I’m really happy for you,” she says suddenly, breaking the silence.

 

He looks at her. 

 

“I just mean,” she says not waiting for him to respond. “You two are ridiculous, but it’s… Nice. You’re really lucky, you know? To be able to experience being so in love like that at our age,” she explains looking down at her shoes as she continues to kick gently at the wood chips that surround the park.

 

And there’s a small part of her that’s jealous. She just wishes that she had someone that she could be ridiculously in love with, but she doesn’t. She isn’t sure when she ever will. 

 

He tilts his head slightly and his gaze goes back to Bram. “Yeah,” he says smiling softly, “I guess we are.”

 

“I kind of wish I had a love like that,” she admits quietly, she feels herself freeze slightly and regrets letting herself admit that aloud. 

 

“Leah,” he says in a tone that makes her meet his gaze. “You will. I know it. You’ll fall so in love and be so ridiculous that I’ll tease you about it. And it’ll be great,” he says earnestly.

 

She sends a half smile, she isn’t sure how much she believes him. Girls like her usually don’t have that kind of luck.

 

“Seriously,” he says, stressing the word slightly as if he can tell what she’s thinking. “You know. Just because you didn’t fall in love in high school, doesn’t mean it won’t happen. We have our entire lives ahead of us,” he says. “And listen, one day down the road, you’ll meet a really great guy and he’ll be so crazy about you.”

 

Her heart stops just for a moment, and she considers just blurting out maybe he’s right. But also it doesn’t  _ have _ to be a man.

 

And it’s not exactly a perfect moment but it’s an easy way to come out and get it out of the way once and for all. But it’s like the words are caught in her throat. 

 

Simon reads her silence completely wrong as he offers her a small smile and says, “Everyone deserves a great love story. That includes  _ you  _ too, Leah. And you’ll get it one day.”

 

And she’s not sure what to say to that, all she knows is that he’s saying it in a way that makes her believe him without a doubt because he seems to truly believe it. “Thank you, Si,” she manages to choke out after a moment.

  
  
  
  


**_vi._ **

 

They’re eighteen and lying on Leah’s bed staring up at her ceiling fan.

 

She can’t help but think how familiar this moment is, how very them it is. And with all that’s going on she really loves the familiarity and comfort of it.

 

After a beat of silence, she can see from the corner of her eyes that Simon’s hands go up to his face and then he sighs. “Hey,” she says, turning her head to look at him. 

 

“Hey.”

 

“I know you’re worried,” she says. She can tell that’s the reason he’s been avoiding the conversation with Bram. And she gets why, but she also feels like there’s no need for him to be worried at all.

 

He turns his head towards her and there’s a tear rolling down his cheek. He reaches up to wipe it away, before saying, “I just don’t like goodbyes.”

 

“I know,” she says. And she feels her heart drop just a bit, because she’s reminded that she doesn’t like goodbyes either but neither of them have a choice. 

 

Each day they’re getting closer and closer to graduating, which means they’ll all be leaving Shady Creek behind and everyone will be going their separate ways. And it’s like life is moving and changing too fast for her to deal with. 

 

“I don’t want to leave him or you or Abby or any of you guys,” he says, his voice catching as he speaks. “I don’t know anyone in Philly. I don’t know how people do this.”

 

And she feels her throat start to tighten. She doesn’t know how people do this either, they’re starting fresh. They’ll be walking headfirst into the unknown of navigating the adult world with no real preparation. 

 

But at least she’ll have Abby with her, though she’s unsure how that will play out. All she knows is she’s so far gone for Abby and she’s still trying to grasp how to go about it.

 

“I think I’m even going to miss Taylor,” he adds.

 

She snorts, shaking her head gently. “Okay,” she says, “Now you’ve lost me.”

 

He laughs and sniffs again. “Come on. You know you’ll miss her,” he says. She has to give it to him, as annoying as Taylor can be Leah thinks she will miss her. Not that she’d ever admit it aloud. “How are we going to know if her metabolism is still rocking?”

 

She laughs, “Probably from her daily Instagram updates.”

 

“Okay, that’s true,” he concedes after a moment, smiling at her even though his eyes are still watery.

 

“And that’s a conservative estimate.”

 

“I know,” he says, laughing softly. He scoots closer to her until their heads are touching, and then he sighs quietly, ruffling her hair with his breath. And she doesn’t think she’s ever loved him more than in this moment.

 

They just lie like there like that in a comfortable silence, watching the fan move in circles. She feels at ease. And she should tell him. 

 

She doesn’t think there’s ever been a more perfect moment to come out to him. And she’s reminded of all her missed perfect moments that she’s had over the years but never took advantage of. And she really doesn’t want to watch another go by. 

 

Especially since she’s not sure when she’ll get another moment like this with Simon because life is moving way too fast for comfort. 

 

But she doesn’t. 

 

And she’s not even sure why she doesn’t come out to him right now. She doesn’t know what’s holding her back anymore. Simon is likely to be so fucking cool about it, and maybe might give her some great advice about how to deal with her Abby Thing. It’s literally the most risk free perfect opportunity. 

 

But it’s like she’s back to thirteen, fifteen, seventeen, a few months ago and the words just won’t come.

  
  
  
  


**_\+ i._ **

 

In all the ways she’d considered coming out to Simon, she’d never once considered that it’d be something that seems so ridiculously from a movie script. Not just any movie script but a really cliche movie that everyone pretends to hate but secretly loves.

 

They’re at the prom and she just got a girlfriend. And she’s just experienced the most amazing kiss in her entire life and of course it got interrupted.

 

She guesses it’s a good thing that it was Simon and Bram and not any of the other people who could’ve caught them. The two of them are standing a few feet away with their jaws slightly open as they try to make sense of what they’ve just witnessed. 

 

“Wait,” Simon says faintly, he looks like he’s about to say more but instead snaps his mouth shut. And Bram doesn’t say anything as he watches them.

 

Abby laughs nervously, shrugging as she weakly says, “Surprise.”

 

And Simon has a weird expression as he looks back and forth between them, like he’s trying to figure out what the punchline is. She doesn’t entirely blame him for being so confused. 

 

Then, she figures there’s no better time than now. She kind of has to come out at this point.

 

“Well,” she takes a deep breath to steady herself before continuing, “I guess you thought I was straight.” He tilts his head to the side, but she doesn’t wait for a response. She just barrels on, so she can get it all out there once and for all, “So, yeah. I’m not. Like  _ really  _ not. I am really, really bi.”

 

“So am I,” Abby chimes in, grinning as she glances back at Leah. And Leah’s heart skips a beat and she can’t stop the small smile that finds its way onto her face. 

 

“Holy crap. I’m just,” Simon blinks. She can tell he’s still processing it. “Really?”

 

“Really.”

 

“Wow. Oh my God. I have so many questions right now,” he says immediately. “Does Nick know?”

 

And she feels her heart stop momentarily at the reminder of Nick. The reminder that she’s going to have to talk to him about this, which she’s not sure what to expect but she knows it’ll have to happen.

 

“Nick will be fine,” Bram inputs quickly, and smiles. And she sends him a grateful smile. “I am  _ so  _ happy for you guys.”

 

“Oh, God, me too!” Simon says, smacking himself on the forehead. “But you knew that, right? Holy shit. Yeah. Nick is going to… I mean, whatever, right? I’m so fucking thrilled. Okay, okay,” he rambles, and it's obvious he’s still trying to make sense of everything. “Okay. Wow. How long have you been...?

 

“Bi?” she guesses.

 

“No. I mean,” he’s gesturing between both her and Abby before continuing, “How long has this been a thing?”

 

“Fifteen minutes,” Leah says.

 

Abby grins at her, raising a brow, “Give or take two weeks.”

 

“Or a year and a half.”

 

Abby giggles as she takes Leah’s hand and threads their fingers together. And Leah smiles softly and feels so overjoyed.

 

“Like, you have no idea how happy this makes me. No idea,” Simon says, smiling brightly at them. “I just wanted you guys to be friends, even, but  _ this _ .”

 

“That’s right. We went above and beyond for you, Simon,” Abby says with a grin.

 

“So, you’re welcome,” Leah adds.

 

“I’m shook,” Simon says, and Bram pats him gently on the shoulder with a smile.

 

And Leah can’t help the happy laughter that escapes her as she takes in the ridiculousness of what just happened. Then, Abby is laughing with her.

 

She doesn’t think she would have imagined this would be the way she’d come out to Simon. It’s not some perfect emotional moment that she planned for, and maybe there’s no such thing as a perfect moment to come out. She’s been chasing and trying for so long but now here she is, finally out to her best friend. 

 

And she couldn’t be happier about it, especially since she’s holding hands with Abby Suso at prom.

 

Abby Suso who’s her girlfriend and who she’s so completely ridiculously in love with. 

 

And it’s only the beginning.


End file.
